I just jerked it to the same porn two nights in a row... and she says I have problems with commitment...
I just tried to unlock my house with the car remote
cruising supermarkets, asking random people where i can get weed. fuck alaska
I just saw some girl with the liscense plate "OBVIII"...I never wanted to get in a car accident so badly.
My favorite part about you getting arrested is having to explain the prosthetic leg in the front seat.
the fact that you could barely do more than slur incoherent sentences didn't stop you from correcting her grammar
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO LOOK FUCKABLE IN AN ALL NEON SPANDEX JUMPSUIT?
Do ex girlfriends even count for summer sexcapades. Seems like the damage had already been done
Victory lap
We got the possum out of our house. We built a maze with our empty kegs and chased it with brooms.
I can't come tonight. Someone took a shit in the dressing room. A.) Clean it up or B.) Kill myself. Text back with your answer.
I apparently insisted on hugging all the bushes and apologizing for pollution on the way home.
When you are 21 it's acceptable to run out of the tavern and puke all over the bike rack... when you are 35 it's called alcoholism.
I'm the only person I know who could have actual sex and then dream about my vibrator.
doc says my ankle might be broken, they're going to do xrays. He asked me what happened and I told him if he could find out that would be great.
I brought coffee but not enough for the naked guy on your porch
Randomize
