I'm at a crab and wine festival with my dad. He just introduced me as his girlfriend to all of his co-workers. I am so drunk I thought he was serious.
She said if it slipped out one more time she was going to duct tape it in her vagina
Come in. Grab a controller and a beer. We've got some Madden to beat.
You're the best girlfriend ever.
please tell me that the half empty jar of cocktail sauce on the table has nothing to do with my missing seamonkeys
Realized I'm still to drunk to comprehend work emails. Marked them all as unread. Here's to responsible hang overs.
She tried to cook Velveeta IN the oven on clean mode.
Didn't get laid. But got a free pie from a waitress. A whole pie.
this year we will have multiple halloween identities. lesbian couple meets brian and stewie
DID YOU REALLY JUST GIVE ME A FIRST BASE SIGN
how many ponies have to be on my pajama pants to convince him im gay?
i think we need a new approach.
no he just sat there holding the hammer and grinning insanely
Would you go as one half of Harry and Lloyd in Tuxes to Aaron's wedding?
Your favorite boobs are sending you seasons greetings
I told my mom that I might be hungover today so she needs to make me an omelet.. it happened and I'm happy
Between falling off a shelf on to a concrete floor and sex with you - i may never walk again.
Randomize
