I had a dream that the allstate guy hooked up with flo from the pregressive insurance commercials and she gave birth to the geico gecco. I need to stop taking ambian.
i feel sorry for the hotel staff that makes the bed after we have sex
She pointed at me and told her friend, I'm going to fuck him, its going to be really loud, so yes, i need the whole basement.
Said he made a playlist for taking a shit. only two songs on it are the Star Wars theme and "America, fuck yeah" set to repeat.
For some reason I knew you were going to smell like strippers and burritos when I hugged you.
I'm doing this for my boobs. They miss him.
I guess wearing a straight up bikini to class is an early indication that Thirsty Thursday has started.
I don't like finding out that my fuck buddy is a good person.
Oh my god. I'm not ready to be an adult. I'm not ready.
I sent him an 18 page sext. He's going to have a good morning.
I hope you get a lego stuck in your dickhole
Being pregnant feels like you have a hangover everyday.. Don't listen to what anyone says about how wonderful it is
Self care is breaking into nasa and launching yourself directly into the fucking void
Apparently stoned me thought eating chips in the shower was a good idea.
I mean, he’s listed as “Andrew DC Threesome” in my phone. THATS HOW I REMEMBER HIM! How is that not the start of a fairytale?
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