I called the bartender Mr. Intoxication last night. He thought it was funny until i threw up and blamed it on him
Eric just called. Says he's trapped in a cul de sac because the road disappeared. Wants me to tell him what street has the bushes that whisper sweet nothings into you ear and the wobbling purple pokemon. Oh, and a "bigger and better" penis is growing out of his belly button. He took shrooms by the way.
I'm pretty sure my moms getting nailed in the bathroom right now while I'm chaperoning. God damn it.
we drunkly made out in the middle of the street beside the homeless guy playing the flute. Not how I imagined our first kiss.
I've lost all respect for marriage since I joined this bachelor party.
Just thought you should know the man you CHOSE to father your children has once again fallen asleep on the toilet. thanks mom
I'm hoping that by this time next year we will be smoking some weed at a gay wedding, asking "Mitt who?"
He is indeed a crazy mutha fucka. But mark my words. MARK MY WORDS. My job has placed me at the same party as Tom Cruise. I. Am. Fucking. The. Crazy. Out. Of . That. Alien . Fucker.
Talking to her is like watching "Bad Life Choices: The Movie"
Seriously??? You send me boob shots with your husband and kids in them???
I'm not even the least bit surprised that I whored myself out for tiramisu
I've never been this drunk around this many toddlers
We broke my graduation cords last night when we used them to tie each other up during sex last night
You yelled "Shame!" like you were that bitch from Game of Thrones and then hit my balls full force with your sports bra
You have thirteen minutes to get here if you want to get back together. Otherwise I'm getting digits from the waitress.
Randomize
