Last night was so much fun. i kept trying to lick everyone
i wanna have a kid now so by the time he's 20 ill only be 42 and assuming im already divorced we can pick up girls together
sitting next to michael phelps in the airport. wonder if he's carrying...
I really don't want to. I just don't know how to nicely say "dude I'm having a rough time in life right now and I just need to dress like a stripper cop, get shit faced, and have dirty crazy sex"
I just spent a pre-4th of july celebration riding in a raft being towed by a car through a town that I've never heard of handing out flyers for a river rafting company that I never knew existed. Good night.
You were crying and singing wanted dead or alive while trying to eat cold soup, I think that pathetic is an understatement
I need to stop ravaging the freshman dorm like a virginity-snatching dragon.
My mom just gave me my fake back to buy her more wine.
feelin groggy baby? need a coffee? vitamins? a nice good fuck on the piano?
Just left a strip club where they let me on stage to teach them tricks. Time of my life!
We got stoned and took selfies with the most perfect lawn
You drank the pool water to get rid of your hiccups
Lets just say the phase, What a dick, has a whole new meaning at the urinals.
She said if you lived here it would be like the x rated version of 3's company
Never go to your parents' super bowl party. I learned, in great detail, "Why Aunt Trisha is a hoe" Not enough beer on the eastern seaboard.
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