so then you didnt wanna fuck tonight right?
oops, you werent supposed to get that until you left.
at least after i hook up with someone i have the decency to ignore them
my debit card account is gonna say movie, movie, ice cream, movie, cheese fries, get a fucking life, movie
I'm standing in the shower drinking with the light off and a candle lit, listening to Amy Winehouse. Be proud.
Don't let her tell you any different. She licked the balls of my hamster for that $100. It was a group bet. She won.
You are NEVER going to guess whose penis was JUST in my mouth!!!
I'll give you a hint, we ate paste with him in kindergarten.
I am going to wait until he wakes up to set his couch on fire and then pee it out. That way he knows it was not an accident.
I am broke enough to accept it. If I get poisoned, you can have my shoes
The only thing worse than being hungover is being hungover and not able to open your mouth wide enough to eat a cheeseburger
This is a sacred holiday in the land of the free! I do what I want!
When he opened the car door the whole thing fell off. Even that can be forgiven via his monster cock.
When the hubs wants to wear his training mask during sex and pretend to be Bane you just go with it.
You know it was a weird week when you have a mystery bruise and youre unsure if it was from crazy sex or getting bit by a duck. Life.
just creeped your profile pictures and you should feel satisfied in knowing that you had great eyebrows even before people started drawing them on
So woke up naked and found my clothes from last night in my kitchen with a half eaten quesadilla
Randomize
