don't tell her this, but while we were doing it doggy style I picked up my phone and changed my status to "who let the dogs out"
the best job he will get is a sex ed teacher in alabama
It was like fucking a house. Down the chimney. That deep and empty.
new hobby: convincing random sorority girls around campus that we hooked up last weekend. i'm 2 for 5.
All I remember was the chick screaming "don't hookup with him! His dick's the size of a cucumber"
He couldn't say anything coherently but shot off a perfectly timed "that's what she said" when michelle said he'd have to ride in the trunk because she didn't have enough room up front.
Fuuuuck. Forgot it's October. FYI scarecrows are gonna fuck you up when you're driving high
Just used your umbrella as a puke sheild. Thanks man.
Just rinsed and put my styrofoam cup of noodles in the dishwasher. I need to be not hungover ASAP
The psychic I saw today told me NOT to text the guy I haven't heard from yet since our first date this weekend b/c it wouldn't go anywhere...Miller light said otherwise. Miller light > Cleo
I don't know whether to laugh it off or be pissed at him..I got pulled over this morning leaving his place and the officer thought my hickeys were hand prints around my neck and asked if I needed to be escorted out of town.
In case you were wondering how drunk I was last night, there was an unopened slim Jim in front of my door and I ate it.
I just realized that with the new snapchat update / emoji sticker thing I can now use easily use emojis to cover my boobs in nudes.
Like when your most normal sex dream is you being a prostitute, you know it's been one long ass dry spell.
He fucked me harder than I've ever been fucked before and afterwards he started crying and profusely apologizing to god and baby Jesus for his sin.
Randomize
