At least we lost an hour tonight! Less time to make a fool of myself
I think the phrase "bag of smashed assholes" describes it best
You stole her cigarette screaming that you were going to stop the air cancer from getting everyone.
at least i was looking out for everybody
I just left during the middle of Chemistry to go throw up in the bathroom....and you laughed at my travel toothbrush.
aaaannd alcoholism beats pride. it's like grown-up rock, paper, scissors
I walked in on you eating olive oil off of a plate. you gave me this look and I just started crying. we were that drunk.
Just went through campus. In the span of 2 min I saw 4 places I've had sex. And thats just down one street. Man do I miss college.
So I'm drunk playing pool in a bar with a guy I arrested last week for a DUI...if he recognizes me, shit's gonna get real.
Also can you rate on a scale of zero to jesus restraining order christ how creepy it is that he found a porn star that looks like me and has watched all the porn that she's been in
I'm so hungover. I just keep eating the otter pops I'm trying to use to get rid of my hickies.
We just saw two bitche in pink capris jazzercising down the road. On Thanksgiving.
Doing coke by yourself isn't as fun. Even when you're watching a James Franco movie.
The laundromat is nothing like In the pornos
I just got a snapchat of a flaccid penis with the caption "happy belated valentine's day." What did I do to deserve this
There's a dude wearing a banana suit at the house across the street....
Randomize
