took 5 apple pie shots. caution: flames. not digestable.
First drunken handjob: not successful. Second handjob, mostly sober: much better. Nightly news brought to you by me.
I seem to remember you being very disappointed that drinking Michelob Ultra didn't give you magic powers.
He just came into the room wearing nothing but a Speed Racer helmet. I think he just invented a fetish.
We had on the same team jersey so at the time it made sense to hook up.
Duh.
I was at that stage of drunk where it seemed appropriate to just make out with everyone. As like a greeting.
I hear you
Thank you. Next to bondage, soft American Apparel t-shirts are the best things you've taught me about.
Do you think I could get someone from tinder to drive me to the airport?
When we got home I apparently addressed everyone as 'peasant' since it was my birthday, this followed by me demanding for my "peasants to wash me".
I swear going to your house is like going to a strip club, no matter what happens I get glitter on me.
You faceplanted on the railroad tracks and when I tried to tell you to get up, you told me you were "taking a quick breather"
I think I just got booty called by someone I've never slept with or even really had a conversation with before.
it looks like a nuclear can of fuck blew up in here
So my step mom just informed me she tells stories about me at work as a form of birth control for the girls that work there, not sure if i should be offended or proud.
Im glad your laughing because im currently convincing my penis you didnt mean it and its all gunna be ok.
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