can't come. weird drunk guy passed out on couch. long story, tell u later.
wtf. wake him up, call him a cab, get over here!
i just want to make sure he doesn't die. or rob me. plus it's facinating, he's faceplant on the arm of my sofa.
My girlfriend went down on me and as she did she hummed the theme from star wars and pretended my dick was a lightsaber...I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
I think the neighbors upstairs are trying for more kids. I want to run up there and yell "mazal tov!"
Just dominated the men's bathroom at work. Sounded like the intro of a death metal song.
The slutty girl scout law, revised for halloween 10: on my honor i will try, to serve my vagina and my shot glass. To hold back friends hair at all voming moments and to live by the sluttly girl scout law.
I feel uncockblockable...banged her in the bathroom with my iv still in
Despite fighting the urge to vomit throughout the whole thing, I think that interview went really well!
You're the only person I know who would be upset about making out with a girl you like. You're like a drunken Charlie Brown.
i just want to be sober by dinner like is that too much to ask
Nothing like waking up naked and alone on your floor to remind you that you make life mistakes often.
He added me to his contacts as 'boot and rally'...have you ever been more proud to be related to me?
I can't wait to tell mom.
your phone died, so you started bawling in the bar
yeah that sounds like me
I just realized that you're going to be drunk for daylight savings time again. Godspeed.
Her cat was breathing in my ear all night, like that kid from Hey Arnold.
I don't want too, lol. I'm currently awaiting my next period like its the second coming of christ
Randomize
