He played with my vagina like it was a turntable
Double fisting Gray Goose bottles. We've officially ruined her.
Life is so much better when you know you're gonna get laid soon.
What hospital were we in last night? Insurance needs to know
About six hours after the bottle of smirnoff, I was googling "losing your stomach lining" and calling my mom for help. She has experience.
So he might be the smartest man alive. He had the stripper pick him up taco bell on the way to the room for an extra 50 bucks.
I was in the library and saw 2 dudes hackysacking in a study room with 3 girls working. I asked if I could join; as soon as I closed the door the chicks offered me tequila shots. study session w/everyone cancelled, I'm busy.
Well if you're drunk enough to make some mistakes this week I'd be down to redeem myself for my poor performance.
I figure that my generation of my family needs an alcoholic. I'll take that burden.
I tried to force my roommate into a sink last night. And I almost won.
Pretty sure I'm about to get another tattoo. It'll have mom in there somewhere for Mother's Day.
How does one hint at their mentee that they used to casually fuck his brother
I gave you keys to my house and drugs. This must mean we're in a relationship.
who gets drunk at chipotle by noon and then gets kicked out? this chick.
Having a bangable neighbor is going to ruin my booty call game. I refuse to go across town for dick now
Randomize
