Just had a girl agree to give me a blowjob in exchange for wearing my jacket during class. Talk about successful negotiations. Best day of my life
Do you think girls in gamma phi sit around and think about how much they suck?
Found my new morning breakfast spot. Hospital cafeteria. Nobody asks questions, they just assume shit went downnn
No, the responsible one does not yell out "lets go to iHop" at 5 in the morning to a bunch of drunk people with munchies.
When I don't want to forget things I put them on my cigs.
C smoking isn't all bad
I forgive you, at least you vote. I found out my fuck buddy isn't even registered. I won't fuck a non respectable citizen.
SURVIVAL MODE. WE CAN DO THIS. Celebratory survived-working-christmas-retail sex to follow
My New Years Resolution is to get everyone to start talking like a 40 year old douchebag. From now on, you will only refer to me as Chief.
I was thinking more like a "sorry you can hear us, but I'm having the best sex of my life" cake
All you kept saying was, " Barack fucking Obama. FUCK Michelle" and then you motorboated me.
You need Xanax blowdarts
And that kids is the last time I ever try to outdrink Germans
We didn't mean to put a petting zoo in the elevator.
You sat on me. Like I was a toilet. While I was on the toilet. You peed a little.
I'm trying to drink up the confidence to run in public.
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