We are allowed to think Jacob from Twilight is hot in 468 days!
I don't know what is sadder, the fact that you figured that out or the fact that I can't wait until then!!
He about cried when I ordered pizza online. He said it was a miracle.
No, that was before the police came, but after the hooker.
I was born in the year of the cock... How fitting.
They thought "watering it down" meant adding more vodka
I'll call it a relationship when I stop masturbating after he goes to sleep
We should invent fake asshair for you to wear so you can experience my pain for a day.
Tim john just told us the story about him losing his virginity at 14 during church on the emergency exit staircase. This is day drinking?
Update. He just picked me up and tried to demonstrate
Is there a non-awkward way to tell a girl I work with that she looks just like my favourite pornstar?
You realize your sleeping pills are working when you pick up your iPhone and almost bite it because you thought it was a graham cracker
I can't even properly respond cuz I'm ballsdeep in falafel
All of the hungover. I've changed not showered but can't quite make it to the booze.
WE'RE IN THE RED ZONE PLAY THRU THE PAIN
FOUND: my underwear in the cabinet above the toilet. What the actual fuck.
WHY DO I KEEP FINDING CHICKEN THROUGHOUT THE HOUSE? GET YOUR ASS HOME NOW!
It's just not St. Patrick's Day until someone pukes on your panties.
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