This last weekend single handedly took me off the liver transplant list
I just got an email from a bridal website with the subject "Countdown to your Wedding Day"... is 11AM too early to drink the rest of the wine we have?
how can getting a pizza be this hard?
when you've been drinking 14 hours anythings impossible
My complete lack of self respect has really improved my blow job technique
If he thought that flying across an ocean to visit me in London constituted sex, he thought wrong.
So after tonight I now have 6 Harry Potter movies left to get laid to. Before tonight it was 8. Fucking right
I let that bitch know in no uncertain terms I was taking the coke dealer in the breakup
If you're still up for that roadtrip, I managed to end up in Louisiana and could use a ride home.
Also, if he asks how he's doing orally I can probably ask if we're exchanging Christmas presents?
Seriously. I'm like, "Wait, we are actually talking about physics in the middle of sex and its ACTUALLY erotic because you're so fucking intelligent I'm turned on?"
I didn't think I was even that high but when we were standing in the cop car's headlights I totally forgot how to use my arms
I'm going to have to include Angry Orchard in my thesis acknowledgements
Imagine how different my life would be if I could find a man who gave me more pleasure than pizza at 2am when I'm drunk.
hahahaha classic. this is why you are going to a college with a hospital right next to it
Don't drink and try to take a shower. I thought I was drowning
Randomize
