is not sure whether or not everyone at the club last night calling me a-easy is a good thing?
I really don't understand how I cannot figure out how to work a fucking can opener when I'm hungover. Yet I still retained the ability to take a perfectly symmetrical picture of my erect penis and send it to every person in Matt's contacts the night before.
I just ate a cashew that looked EXACTLY like your dick.
Protip: If you slur the word 'tipsy', you've progressed beyond tipsy.
Literally been drinking for 10 hours. Hammered. Roasted chestnuts fell out of my shirt earlier.
Jason and steven are boiling shrimp in the microwave again
It'll just be like "PENIS HERE". In case you get lost.
Hah no, But it might feel like water boarding to my soul
If you value your immune system buddy, walk away from that one.
TONIGHT IS GOING TO BE A FUCKING BLAST. EVEN IF I HAVE TO SET OFF A BUNCH OF FIREWORKS IN YOUR KITCHEN.
If we don't have crazy animal sex tonight at least twice, I'll know he's cheating on me.
Who wouldn't want crazy animal sex with you?!
A cheater.
if you come you're not allowed to wear pants. if you arrive wearing pants you won't be wearing them long.
I went to BBQ fest on Wednesday and came home wearing a different shirt, so I think I did some good damage.
I got copblocked.
What?
Cockblocked. By a cop. Copblocked.
Ahhh, the bane of our relationship.... His mediocre penis
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