Do you think if I drink bleach they will let me leave work?
You are the one person I know will appreciate this- and I'm aware that its nearly 5 am- but I have 3 words... G spot orgasm. BE JEALOUS
I really wish i had a penis so i could dick slap that bitch right now
You were so high at Ikea last night that you were convinced you could speak Swedish. The whole the time you were our navigator and when we got to the cashier you were hitting on the lady. When she gave you her number you told her you were saving her number as Inglfurfta cuaue she must be swedish since she works there.
its amazing how hard it is to tell vomit from stuffing the day after
Vibrator and massage oils got stopped at security. Super.
I just discovered how perfect a shot glass is for putting your chicken nugget dipping sauces into. Like I'll probably do this when I'm a mother feeding my children.
He went down on me and then slapped my ass saying "thanks for the confidence boost"... is this all I'm good for?
You do realize that you're sleeping with a man who is part of a gay harem, right?
Fuck your 100 proof Hot Damn. Do you know what 100 proof vomit tastes like? Anger.
So yeah, don't be alarmed when you come home after work to find me eating cookie dough out of a margarita glass with a knife and watching The Little Mermaid. It's been one of those days.
I just fell off a roof. So I'm kinda chillin for a minute.
YOU IS KIND. YOU IS SMART. YOU IS IMPORTANT. YOU IS CLEANING YOUR OWN VOMIT.
Weddings might be fun but they are not getting fucked in the wilderness fun.
Hey! you should come over!
Who is this? The number is saved as "Sexy Awesome"
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