I told you I would drunk text you sometime........its that time.
So my mouth tastes like dick. Does that explain how our talk went?
Last night started off great but became the saddest day of my life when i was drunk in a hotel room eating day old mac and cheese out of a yatzee cup with a coffee lid as a spoon...
Never drink rum straight from the bottle, even if people say it'll make you a pirate. It won't: it'll make you a bumbling shitfaced idiot who just drank rum straight from the bottle.
this guy jus got head in a gas station bathroom from this fat chick with one leg
gross dude. was the guy blacked out drunk or something?
yeah and it only cost me 6 dollars
So I'm really hungover walking to work and these douches from comcast on bikes ask if they can take a picture with me to show that they're doing their job. The picture: me, this chick from comcast, i'm holding a 2 ft. pixie stick, a comcast flyer and i'm puking in the parking lot. sounds like their doing a good job!
So my retainer doesn't fit, so i'm getting drunk so i can put it back in. Alone.
You would...
It honestly wasnt my fault this time. i was in shock. WHO THE FUCK OWNS A PEACOCK?!
he built a boat made of joints. holyyy shit
He only dropped the Russian accent after we started having sex.
Are we really going to sext in Pokemon battle fashion?
So really what you're asking for is an allowance to not have sex on our futon.
Got high again and all I want to do is wave this flag around
just called AAA to get my keys out of me car and then afterwards realized they were in my pocket...stoner life
Why is there a wet sock in my garbage? Why did I chug so much red wine? Why was someone signing into my iCloud account at 4 am in China? Why do I do self-destructive reckless things? So many questions.
Randomize
