Heard it's your birthday. I can't send pictures, but go ahead and imagine my balls.
From behind she looks like Richard Simmons
I thought his dick was headless. then I pulled back the foreskin.
Hairspray is covering 85% of my body. Help.
Wait until you see the roof.
I'm genuinely dissapointed that we didn't make any fat chicks cry
Is it ironic that the girl with the horse face is also on the equestrian team?
i should teach a seminar on how to fall off the wagon
I FUCKING SERVED PEOPLE AND POURDED JUGS AND GOT FREE BEEEEEEEERERTERRY
i've been lying on top of my bed for the past 20 minutes
i'm about to blow half an adderall though and try to rally
No if my life depended on you fingering me just let me die
My crowning drunk achievement from that night was donating $5 to the Obama campaign.
You're perfect
I would love a rich wife. Then I would be like a gym teacher or some shit. Bigfoot hunter maybe.
Sitting in bed reading a porn novel off my phone and accidentally just made Siri start reading the most graphic part aloud. FUN FIRST NIGHT WITH THE NEW ROOMIE.
I need your opinion, is it ACTUALLY sweet that a booty call offered to walk me home with an umbrella because it was raining, or is that just low standards?
Turns out dignity is priceless and Plan B costs $41.09
Randomize
