Hey when I die alone will you come by often enough so that my cats don’t eat my face?
I just found out my boyfriend is cheating on me, please tell me Carl is a unisex name.
Well, I woke up with a text message from my cab driver that said "I hope you're alive," so that's a good indicator of how I was acting last night.
I shouldn't trust a guy I just met with the pull out method. That's a big responsibility.
This place smells like bottom shelf liquor and broken dreams
This tiny Canadian guy just tipped me $20, a piece of gum, and a joint. I wasn't working. He literally tipped me for talking to him.
Dude you filled up a protein shake mixer with White Russians so you didn't have to keep coming upstairs.
Because I was drunk or stoned for 4 days. I either made terrible decisions or none at all.
my cockatiel has aquired a taste for beer. I should not be allowed to own exotic pets.
Surprise court date day!!! Wake the fuck up!
I apologize in advance for the amount of cleavage I'll be exposing your boyfriend to.
Fuck off. Since when do you love him??
Since he licked my arm to retrieve the macaroni and cheese he dropped. You have to appreciate that
Can't even lie. Mad respect
Did I fall last night?
I wouldn't call it falling as much as you tried to lay on the sidewalk and proceeded to hit it face first.
We're like a married couple, but we only have sex on college holidays and other people's birthdays.
For future reference: bathtub full of cheeseburgers = win.
Randomize
