Dude, just walked by a homeless guy pissing on the sidewalk while he was screaming at his wang. God, I love this city.
i fucked some guy last night. i called him nick jonas by mistake. i'm 24.
My dad assaulted a TSA agent this morning. Shut down airport security. Don't tell me that your family is embarrassing.
It was literally the size of a half eaten tic tac.
you kept shouting how the only tree you would hump is an elm tree because they're under populated
I didnt shave my beard last night, so I could feel it while Im shrooming today
She said to bring taco sauce. Hoping that's a euphemism.
Let's enter the circle of trust. Are we there yet? Ok. If I somehow hypothetically slept with Amandas ex husband...on a scale of one to ten...how bad is that?
She just kept saying "bless your heart" to him while he cried because he came so fast. I think a Texas woman was just what he needed
My philosophy is thug life and that means never having to say your sorry for stealing drinks off tables
She bruised my penis again. But, trooper I am we kept on going.
I should've known a straight guy wouldn't know all the words to Moana
Im bringing my light up rubber ducky just in case we end up at a rave tonight. HE CHANGES COLOR!
All I remember thinking is, why the fuck are there martians on the ceiling? And they were riding fruit. Like strawberries and shit.
Also, in case they didn’t tell you… there is a chicken living in your old room… so I would assume cleaning that is now on them
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