Hey was my sperm eye the same day I crapped myself?
I feel like college is just one giant drunken trip to Taco Bell
Def regretting not writing "will blow for extra credit" on my last final
We're trying to decide between cracker barrel an the ER
literally hosing herself off in my back yard with the hose. i offered her the shower but she refused. that drunk.
Dude. Her vagina is a blender.
i am one fart away from being 2 for 2 on this whole shitting my pants thing.
She's cute. And her snoring noises remind me of the incidental music from Jaws.
Walk of shame: Easter Edition. He is risen.
Oh my god he's laying on a longboard singing the song from cool runnings.
Puking in the Ritz Carlton bathroom was actually kind of a nice experience
Bringing my mom Taco Bell and weed. I'm such a good daughter
How do I send someone an apology text for giving them a lap dance in the middle of a party last night?
Sorry for not calling you back. I got drunk and passed out on the kitchen floor. I just found my phone in the shower.
My Mini-Van Handjob Milf is leaving the company. I need to find a new job. I can’t handle this place without those handjobs
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