yea pretty sure we followed the trail of your spaghetti-o vomit to find the car
I just puked in a penis shaped cake pan. I've hit an all new low for a Tuesday.
I DON'T CARE WHAT THE CIRCUMSTANCES ARE NEVER VOMIT IN MY PURSE AGAIN.
This guy kept running around with a blender giving people shots of everclear and vodka. Best. Toga. Party. Ever.
You just begged me to mute the porn and watch her ass bounce while listening to dubstep the whole time.
Seriously... Things should be way more awkward... The entire female half of the bridal party INCLUDING THE BRIDE blew me in high school....
He chucked my pickle at the bouncer. Fucker, I wanted that.
Something's wrong. My throat is definitely not in it's normal spot. Way too low.
Halloween night fail: My boob sweat from keeping my phone in my bra caused the front screen to stop working from water damage.
I saw a guy do a line this morning in line to start the 5k, happy thanksgiving!
I'm sorry I keep having sex wth your friends. I'm done, for real. Unless cole is interested. Other than that, I'm done.
In other news, the one guy I DIDN'T have sex with in High School is now famous.
Apparently this establishment won't let you rent a sailboat if you have been drinking rum all morning
Like, bro, how do you think I got the idea to go sailing
I just found out my younger brother has me saved in his contacts as "Womb Primer" and I don't know what to do with this information
You know it's been a rough week when you funnel beers by yourself.
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