K got coke dick during a threesome with two strippers. Say no to drugs.
Dude I wish you were here. I'm innthe back seat and it looks like outer space and everything feels like rice. idk. wtf.
Getting a high five from your dog when you're stoned is one the greatest rewards of being a pet owner.
She guessed my name 9 times, and 5 of those times she guessed Mike. Figured that'd be an easy target for the night.
In the memo line of the check she wrote sexual healing.
She walked home carrying a six pack of beer and someone elses cat
SHE BETTER HAVE BROUGHT BACK MY FUCKING COUCH CUSIONS OR SHES GUNNA GET IT.
WHY does every guy I sleep with want to fix my car?!
Hot Damn Cinnamon Schnapps make me feel like the sun is punching me in the face and a bear is sleeping inside me.
I have to masturbate tonight while watching every Paul Walker movie ever made. It's what he would have wanted. RIP Paul.
She's lucky her pussy is worth listening to her ramble about bedroom furniture for 30 minutes
Her handjob consisted of slapping me in the balls. I am never hooking up with her ever again ever.
I'm all about clean living these days
You started your day with fried chicken and a bloody
... after you woke up in your own urine
These are the things that make me so grateful... that I slept with your sister instead.
Omg I just woke up in his bed.. I'm fully clothed and he is naked. I'm so confused.
You WHAT?!?!
Paid. A. Homeless. Guy. To. Throw. A. Drink. In. Her. Face.
I fucking love you.
Randomize
