I look better un-naked...
i told him i was sober and he walked away immediately.
i just saw a man pushing two thirtys of beers in a stroller while his little kid ran to keep up. father of the year
tan lines, throwing up everclear on the beach, doing lifeguards, tequila...summer.
Should you consider yourself out of control when everyone at the party is cheering you on while you're puking, and on the last heave you act like you're rolling dice right before the finale???
I can't help but be optimistic. I'm like a ball of slutty sunshine.
You were a path of destruction, you started with eating half the cake, proceeded by throwing the rest in the sink and dumping water all over it while laughing... then throwing the drunk helmet across the room yelling that you didnt want to wear it... i'd say it was a successful birthday.
I just sneaky put a tampon in on the bus ninja-style.
......how on earth do you do that?
NINJAAAA
YOU CANT FOOL THE TOILET
I woke up this morning and I had the absolutely horrific realisation that I am the human incarnation of scrappy doo
She broke up with me. I guess I was in the most chaste lesbian relationship in the history of the world and had no idea.
I'm super disappointed in my clit.
You punched me in the face while blackout. 20 min later I told you I'd been punched in the face and you yelled 'by who, imma go kill 'em!'
Why is everyone giving me a hard time for drinking?!
Your in the library.
Mom wants to know if you're coming over or if it's safe for her to take her bra off...
Randomize
