it was like the sexual equivalent of when Wilson fell off the raft and floated away
I honestly get shocked all over again every time I pull his pants down. It's one of those feelings you never get tired of.
Dude, you face planted, there was no "bar fight".
he's my ex-boyfriend's best friend... he tried to make out with me to prevent me from hitting his friend. then they almost fought about it.
teach me your ways.
Why is your name on a gluestick in a plastic baggy stuck to my door?
So I'm drinking wine and watching Thumbelina
I'm teaching my cat to play fetch
Yep, it's a friday
I'm about to do the walk of shame in a christmas onesie. What would I do without christmas sweater party season?
He got completely naked and is now just standee there next to my bed poking at my hamster. Why can't I get sex the normal way.
I wish there were birth control emojis
I just blew my weed a kiss
I forgot to tell you. Your neighbor was walking his tiny dog and saw me crawl out of my jeep drunk vomiting and holding onto my bumper. He just said: morning! all friendly.
I feel like I should go door-to-door apologizing to America.
I just put vagisil on my bug bites how do you think my morning is going
Guess who's now on the no-fly list? If you guessed me, you'd be right.
With each thrust he'd whisper "like a ninja." Should I be flattered or appalled?
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