If i'm not hungover, near death, and wondering what i did the night before on Monday, life is not worth living.
He fell asleep and they duct taped him to the floor. He's pissed.
We were in the shower and he sat down an wouldn't do anything. I'm so glad he manscapes. It made washing his balls less awkward.
You came in as I got off work, ordered us jack and cokes. Put them on my tab, and then proceeded to fall asleep on the bar.
Also when they left they could only find one sock between the two of them. Apparently we're like crazy sock ripping vixens when we bring guys home drunk
It was his first time doing shrooms and we made him ride in the truck bed. But he kept standing up and yelling when we stopped so we had to keep driving
I puked walking onto the plane. How do you think my post-Birthday hangover went?
Is it bad that I feel proud to be the first one to puke in the apartment? And I did it in style?
You straight up painted the counter with steak, tequila and beer. You owe me a knew toothbrush.
Just got to Evans to buy weed. His mom showed up unannounced. Now the three of us are chillen. Super.
So don't be alarmed when you go into your bathroom, he's sleeping in the tub with your brothers dinosaurs. also I'll clean up the sticky floor later. (you don't wanna know)
Would I be crazy if I drove 1,000 miles for some dick? What mile does it become ridiculous?
So i just remembered that thing i use to do with your butt because of shark week.
When you sleep in the bathroom, you're no longer a guest.
I have unfollowed so many people the only things showing up in my newsfeed are dog rescues and sloth memes
HEY I WILL KIDNAP THE FUCK OUT OF YOUR PET GOAT
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