My Dad named our wireless network after my dead grandma. I refuse to look up porn on my dead grandma...
He told me that he wishes our relationship was more like prison: less touching, more butt sex.
that's almost as bad as that time i almost ashed in a baby carriage
Sitting at a bar next to a guy wearing sunglasses drinking a pitcher by himself and having an argument with himself over if journey is more ballin than kiss. Feel better about myself.
No he didn't understand the sequence...then I started texting him these texts with vagina strategically spelt correctly in jumbles of letters.
I'm sorry but I have to break up with you. My wife is pregnant and can't have a girlfriend too.
Do you think I threw out my left shoulder during the keg stand or the stripper pole? It's medically relevant my chiropractor wants to know.
I wish on days I started my period Chipotle would come to my house with a burrito bar ... Then give me a chocolate cake and a large beer.
Yep. I'm going to buy a sex toy and a LARP prop on the same trip. Welcome to my life.
Mom called her a cunt. I think that's code for "don't bring her over ever again."
Her ass is the reason I still believe in a higher power
I am at 99 matches in less than 24 hours, I need a tinder rehab program
I don't work there anymore. If they had Prince themed dildo parties i never would have quit
I did just chug a pint glass of wine during a solid round of masterbation, so I believe I am ready for bingo.
Imagine we only get one cock for the rest of your life. I’d pick his dick. That good!
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