The funny thing is... I'm about to go to the store to buy WD-40 and condoms... That's it.
And before you ask they are unrelated purchases.
I woke up this morning and was hoping we drank enough last night to have a unicorn drawn on my wrist. Good News: We did.
just added God to my list of friends who can only see my limited profile on facebook. its such a relief to know that He can't watch me fuck up my life anymore.
He made me a period mix..should I back out now?
You strapped the bucket of KFC into the carseat and refused to let me drive over 20 miles per hour the whole ride home. That high.
I'm almost too hungover to function. Got into the wrong car by mistake. there was a rotweiler in it. Thank god he was more confused than i was for a minute.
We bought a pool from walmart at 2am...and to make matters even more white trash we headed to Applebee's for half off appetizers and corona-ritas
I woke up this morning with a text from my mom as to why the hell random people were showing up at the house. Turns out nobody came to our house party because I gave them my old address, fuck pre-partying for real
He called his dick "The Beast" and said he lived "The Beast Life". He was pretty but it was better if he didn't talk.
These muscle relaxers obviously don't work because I'm harder than a fucking diamond.
Nothing says hey I wanna be your friend again like ambushing me with a dick pic
whatever. i don't need to be drunk to tell you i'd suck your dick if you had one.
As a home can we vote to stab Peter?
You kept licking my face. You said you were making sure I was real.
We're not ready for visitors right now.
wtf? who's we?
The Royal We: Me, My Vag, and I.
Randomize
