Yeah..And after he fingered me, he wiped it on my face and laughed.
ew wtf
GOOD IDEA: Stealing the bike a couple blocks away so I don't have to walk. BAD IDEA: riding bike for the first time in years drunk as hell. I'm bleeding and my body hurts and once again I can't find my car.
Let's review the facts-we're bored, we have a ton of beer, and we live 5 minutes from the zoo. This equation is easily solvable
Let me start this apology by saying you were the finest piece of ass I ever had.
There was a note in my hello kitty underwear telling me "don't go over 9000"
I'm watching people hook up tonight who, when they wake up tomorrow, are going to wish they were blind.
Are you drunk? Because I am and if you're not, this may be very awkward in the morning
Thats for me to know and you to find out.
You are going to come home to a suitcase in the fridge. Just go with it.
She sleeps with her hand around my balls. First I thought it was just a comfort thing. Now I think it's to make sure I can't slip away in the middle of the night.
She ran from her surprise party screaming "I'm not ready for an intervention." Yeah, the girl has a problem.
I woke up to a stripper (who added me on Facebook) messaging me reminding me to cancel my card if I can't find it
I fully support your bad decision but I do not approve of your unironic use of the word yolo
There were firefighters and a fire truck up the street. I asked what was wrong and their exact words were "Just a tiny explosion; it'll be all right"
I could be doing way worse things besides texting him 'come over and bang my headache away'. i could be on meth
I went with vodka instead of tequila tonight so I make better decisions. Fool proof plan.
Randomize
