WOAH SHIT! That wasn't my girlfriend last night.
oh jesus shes a lukewarm mess
My dad just drunkly made a toast in front of my entire extended family "to my daughter the recent and sucessful college and to my son the drunken whore-monger"
Xanax induced break ups are the best. Since I'm a professional fiancee, I'm going to break up with them on Xanax from now on. It didn't hurt one tiiiiiny bit.
Not good, Ive never been this late. We need to talk.
Error 1684C: You're last text was undeeliverable. Subscriber is our to the aera.
We are the drunkest people in Toys R' Us right now
i just got cockblocked by a guy drinking wine straight out of the bottle with a straw...
Lame. Party is tapping out at 4am. Even chanting "USA" didn't rally them.
You said you'd make me a thank you card for taking care of your drunk ass. I'll be expecting that monday.
Is this the point in which we come to terms with our lesbianism or is that after you send me more ass pics...
If I had a dollar for every straight boy that questioned their sexuality because of me, I would live a comfortable middle-class life.
I just projectile vomited into my kitchen sink. Today need to be over already.
So, I'm either with my future life partner or my future life taker. And his brother. lol. I'll let you know when I get home alive.
All I’ve had today is sex and water. I think it’s time for tacos.
I just read my D.A.R.E. essay from 5th grade. I'm having mixed feelings about my previous life choices right now.
Randomize
