Just caught my bro jerking off to a lane Bryant catalog
Oh please, I could turn a Vienna Boys Choir concert into a shit show
I'm sorry, but you without makeup is like christmas without presents.
Wow, Pearl Harbor and The Notebook are on. Its like the Im going to kill myself marathon.
You remember that guy Joey? The pastors son that plays Jesus every year?
Yeah?
Stuck it in his pooper.
Need to stop getting stoned with this chick, I keep waking up covered in pizza sauce
honestly, i just want you to have sex with him too so that you can fully understand my appreciation of his dick as well.
You handed me a red solo cup filled with vodka and Bacon. You called it the salty Russian.
I fucking love my neighbors. I offered him chocolate and somehow it turned into a sexual proposition.
I feel like you guys are talking about real things and have real problems and I'm just over here like 'should I take muscle relaxers or get drunk tonight?'
My underwear are in the stairs so apparently I did take the dog out.
Omg yes! I just found a random muffin! Don't question it. Just praise the miracle.
Now that it's fall I have to prepare for the imminent arrival of ripped up sweatpants shoved into folded over sequined uggs
I frew up on some kids lovely sidealk chald drawings..
All I heard was "sit on my face" "okay" and muffled screaming. I'm still disappointed.
Randomize
