I hit 10,000 texts this month.. I think my grandkids have carpal tunnel.
We had unprotected sex and she's eating life cereal for breakfast. The universe is telling me get the plan b for her
Hey so summary of last night. I threw up in a rain boot then tipped it over on my bed, did my laundry and passed the fuck out. I feel like I didn't see you.
i was driving around baked, windows down jamming to third eye blind and eating grapes for 35 minutes before i remembered why i left my house
Well Im currently dressed up as batman raiding frat houses for booze
Just filled the brita up in the bathtub because we couldn't get it into the sink.
The trashcan full of everclear punch caught on fire...you should probably come home now.
Just got 20% off at the liquor store. How you ask? I asked if there was an "I got divorced today" discount.
Im in my back seat in my own drive way with two beers left to shotgun and watching the sunrise. Am I over her yet?
Let us bow our heads and pray that I don't throw up in the tub
I specifically remember rubbing my eyes thinking I could definitely go blind and I really like came to terms with it I was like ok my other senses will develop this is fine
I’m not closing myself off the to the possibility of making a bad life choice.
How's moving going?
Uh, we're on the way to the store to buy more booze
I mean there are real risks associated with having unprotected sex, but I don’t think I need to worry about a ghost possessing me and having unprotected sex while using my body
I’ve had a lot of vodka, 3 different dicks and no food since last night. Come get me
Randomize
