i have a new swear word: supercalifuckaliciousexpialadamnit
dude! the alphabet song and twinkle twinkle little star are like the same tune
what drug did you take to come to that conclusion??
I dont ever wanna see you tell my little brother to "spread the seed" ever again
So what if i ate it off the ground. Its like i found a five dollar bill just laying there, in burrito form.
She told me my parents were awesome for leaving me uncircumcised...
We are, if nothing else, classy enough to leave our 10 mini bottles of wine in a polite line on the floor of the movie theater.
We bonded over blowjobs and stories of our childhoods. It was beautiful.
There's a 35% chance I'm still residually drunk from last night.
And you say you're not good with numbers...
I had 17 beers 2 days ago. I'm not dad material yet
I'm gonna hop on that dick and ride it into the sunset
Just paid my weed guy with a check. I've got this whole adult thing down.
My phone has started autocorrecting "monogamy" to "monogamish"
The drag queen you used to date and the girl you brought over last night are discussing your sex noises in my living room. I'm changing my locks.
the party picked up after I got pretty drunk...I got kicked in the fucking head by a tiny lesbian...she was 5'1" I did not think she could do it...i was very wrong
I got subtly pornographic with a lollipop while we were talking and he got flustered and started to blush. If he’s not interested after that I need to turn in my vagina card.
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