Mission leave-the-puke-on-the-floor-til-the-dog-eats-it completed. I work smarter not harder
once she started licking the door on the stall, i got out of there and told her bf "this is your problem now" and walked away
While he was going down his phone rang and he answered saying I'll call you later I'm eating.
I knew he was a nice guy, because when we switched positions he flipped the mattress so I wouldn't have to lay in a pool of his sweat.
I already wrote the apology to my liver. He knows whats up
I'm going to have to start sleeping with my keys taped to my stomach.
You look me right in the eyes and yelled "By the power of the superglue beer sword, I designate you my driver!" I almost felt honored.
I remember nothing of last night, but I did manage to figure out which frats I went to by the trails of straw across campus.
Well I'm drunk and covered in baby oil so tonights not ideal
his finger was half off and he was more concerned that he wasnt at home shooting cucumbers out of his potato gun.
I had to rub one out before the Shabbat dinner in case I find a nice Jewish girl to fuck me in the bathroom.
Your mother would be so proud
Just trying to get my dicks in a row.
Woke up to I'm AWESOME written in purple crayon all over my walls. I love drunk me
My drug dealer just told me goodnight...I still don't know his name. But I guess you can say we've moved to the next step.
Greetings from Florida; the armpit of the US, where my 240something lb brother nearly got carried away by some aggressive woodland mosquitoes. I was only spared because they could probably sense I was currently semi-disassociating and would not feel the suffering their presence wrought.
Anyway, how was your day?
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