You were so drunk you tried to sell your salsa to everyone on the restaurant.
Guess which guy you've blown just made me sandwich at subway?
there's a girl in the coffee shop just eating a pint of ben & jerry's
SMART GIRL
Putting a positive pregnancy test next to my condoms in my drawer so I remember why I always need to use condoms
My boss just told me not to come back to work if I decide to drink. Challenge accepted.
I swear to all that is holy, next time you get my mom high with your "special bake sale" I am going to put your dick in the blender.
Why would I take you home? That would eliminate the chances of you making bad decisions I could ridicule you about later.
Fuckin wine wasted last night. Found my pants in the toilet this morning.
And that facial hair. He might as well shave it so it spells "douche" on one cheek and "nozzle" on the other.
he just fluffed my hair and told me I had to dance with him because we were both gingers.
Fly, little bird! Repopulate the ginger race!
You know it's been a rough week when you funnel beers by yourself.
What's worse having drunken sex with hot married man or breaking the diet one week in?
My ex's psycho new girlfriend found my vibrator I forgot at his place. Apparently she didn't find it as funny as I did. 😂
I know. I know. He'll be weekday dick.
drunkkkkk be here I heart you
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