I literally just watched a girl motorboat herself
I was in holding with a guy that got a DUI on a hover round. He was so nice. We're hanging out tonight.
I will never try to masturbate with americas funniest home videos playing in the background ever again
My cleaning lady just walked in the kitchen and i had a hardcore boner. I dont know what awkward is anymore
I'm too hungover to be in a fucking cow suit right now
So i told him he was the 3rd i have ever slept with and then i found out he had actually slept with 5 other girls besides me. And his reply was well your number one on this hand.
she just came into my room, drunkenly shoved six dollars into my bra and told me to spend it on chicken wings.
Hes still mad that I left the room mid-hookup to go get a pickle from the fridge.
plus shes a stripper, ive been with strippers, if you fuck this up your penis will never forgive you
We just had a sexually tense moment where we both chose the trough the pee. I love gay clubs.
there is a dorito bag in my car full of my mouth blood
Last night you texted me "tqiirkykbg doe freedom always"... why?
He was peeing on the back wall of a building. He would have been okay if the building hadn't been a police station.
Weird thing is that's not the first time I've been felt up by a Santa. Happens every year
Maybe if I ever do become a counselor, I would just implement a kind of intensive meme therapy.
Randomize
