No seriously, I have to sell the house because my wife found out I'm gay.
We walked in and found his glass coffee table broken and you in the bathroom throwing up saying "What a bad first impression."
do you think you could subtly ask him about the dimensions of his penis?
The goblet must only be used for good. And vodka. And anything t-pain would be proud of.
I'm at Home Depot to get supplies to fix the wall we cracked by fucking too hard against the bookshelf.
I'm pretty sure getting a blow job behind a bar in Rome while her little sister is throwing up in a dumpster not 5 feet away, gives entirely new meaning to the phrase "When in Rome"
I kept calling him escargot instead of Estaban..I don't think that was the wisest choice.
I did sing regulators with a random black dude at The Rail without looking at the screen, hugged him and walked off stage. I pretty much live up to all expectations.
Everything was going well until he very loudly said that he wanted to cum on my fingernails.
After the apocalypse all we'll have is vodka and twinkles.
Never ever make a tattoo bet. I now have a shamrock on my dick.
I'm waiting for your stupid pizza and this 400 lb drunk man is behind me singing the acapella version of Elevation by U2
Explain to me how we're not being documented on? A gynecologist I saw two times 8 years ago popped up on my people you may know list on fb. What in the actual fuck?
She was here for a threesome... She doesn't have to put the new roll of toilet paper on the dispenser. She can leave the new roll wherever she wants!
Next time I think it’s a good idea to hook up with any of your wife’s family members or friends just kick me in my dick
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