All I've ever wanted to do in life is right
Maybe you should learn how to spell write first
If facebook stalking was a job I would totally pown it
he put his p in my v, then his p in my a, and then tried to put the p in my m? first, double dipping is rude. second, i'm glad he finished shortly after that, i'm afraid of where he'd try to stick it next. my ear?
There's 12 honey baked hams in my fridge. I vaguely recalled you organizing a "Midnight Ham Run."
thanks for waiting 12 hours to ask if I was in a ditch or not
Yeah, I wouldn't mind getting fingered in the corner of a dive bar again.
come over after work tomorrow, liz and i will make all of your wildest dreams come true. so long as your wildest dreams involve drinking champagne at my house with two girls who won't have sex with you.
Turned on my GPS and all that it said in the search bar was "beer,"
I'm petting the cat while shitting. This is all I ever wanted
Can't. Busy recovering from the worst pulled muscle of my life that I got either from excessively acrobatic boning or carrying a huge fucking ice luge down the street while wearing 4 inch heels
OH FOR FUCKS SAKE! SOMEONE TOOK ME FOR A GODDAMN PROSTITUTE!! IM WEARING LEG WARMERS!!! THAT IS LIKE THE LEAST HOOKERISH THING TO WEAR!
Ask me who hasn't showered since Sunday and just got cruised at the gas station on his way to work. I'm a terrible gay.
Soooo we should kick it sometime when it's like light outside. Drink outta cups.. Be bitches. 7, 6, 3, 5.. 4, 2, 1... Sschhkiddaellladiieessscchk
I'm super depressed and stressed and I just want spaghetti and sex...
Also, what day were you thinkin we should trip balls at the children's museum?
Randomize
