yeah well you didnt even puke from the alcohol. we cut you off and went to huck finn's and told you that the "irish cream" coffee creamers had baileys in it, so you shot down like eight of them and puked all over the floor. it was great. we cheered you on and everything
If I sit on the seam of my jeans just the right way when the bass hits, this might be my new favorite band.
some dude is stoned out of his mind in my calc class. just shouted that the teacher was a genius cause he got rid of so many numbers
it was like getting a handjob from robocop
I knew shit got real when the pinapple was gone and people were just passing around the core and gnawing on it.
six ambien and a bong later...he was calling me blueberry princess who need rescuing from the evil oven, and he was sir Eatsalot.
I need a burrito and a hug.
Until this weekend, a man hadn't made me orgasm since the night Obama was elected. Now THAT is change I can believe in.
My old dealer would be proud of the drug cocktail I just took for my back pain.
What's more sad than going to Target to buy Plan B and the new Sam Smith album?
Hey man, when I left for work she was laying on the couch naked cuddling your keurig, can you clean that mess up?
On a scale from 1 to banned, how offensive do you think it would be to wish my vibrator happy Valentine's Day on various social media outlets?
We went camping and met these lesbians and now I have S'mores where there shouldn't be S'mores.
dude i told her that I loved her...and she said, " go fuck yourself"
Accidentally mixed my gin with cold brew coffee instead of cranberry juice. It’s bad. But I’ll finish it. Never leave a fallen soldier.
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