So my mouth tastes like dick. Does that explain how our talk went?
Just saw a homeless guy with a sign that said "Family abducted by aliens. Need money for ransom" and on the back of the sign it said "And it's only $.88"
i am officially better prepared for a hangover tomorrow than i was for christmas.
I bought a fake diamond ring to wear, not only to bars to keep the creeps away, but so that I'll be judged less by the front desk girl at Planned Parenthood
I can count the number of hours she's been sober this weekend on one hand.
the realtor just took us to a house I had a one night stand in. I feel like it's a sign.
You know were out to late when I call my hook up at 8:08pm and 8:08am in the same night.
You started a dance party so that you could steal their vodka and shouted "sailors out!"
Come back. She's looking through naked pics of his exes on his phone and questioning him about them and I'm too drunk to walk away.
Dude I woke up in her bed wearing a top hat and bunny slippers and noticed one of us had pissed in bed. The last thing I wanted to ask for was a ride home
Basically taped my dick down because it's too obvious in this costume...
I think you are severely overestimating being able to get your lingerie back by posting the lyrics of Irreplaceable
She's takin more dicks this month than I have in my life by the sounds of it
also I can check "jump into a moving car" off my bucket list if that tells you how tonight is going
i opened the door and you were passed out on my doorstep wearing ugly shorts and cuddling a pinnapple, i dont know what happened to you.
Randomize
