Some broad at the bar just asked me how much money I make. I don't know whats worse, the question or the answer.
just took a pee in my own yard...decided i had to poo..only got a dingle berry....wiped it away with my finger..help me...my mom AND dad are home.
Things i learned at work today: do not put mayonaise on a tattoo, it will get infected.
She found my wedding ring, sallowed it and wished me good luck explaining it to my wife before walking out. Now what?
Random memory from the wedding, the bartender showed us how to open the windows and piss out of them.
You know how the doctor said I need to stop being vegan unless I find a way to get more protein? There's protein in beer. The doctor wants me to drink more beer.
I'm going to pound you from behind over a table at the bar while I pull your hair and call you a whore...please pass along that message to Rob
He keeps texting me videos of fish swimming in his fish tank, so I think it's safe to say he's back on weed.
Carson kissed me on my cold sore before I could stop him so I think I gave my kid herpes. Mom of the year. Just call me MOTY.
There's nothing more awkward than going on a beer run with 3 ten year olds....teacher of the year right here!
As we were walking to her place she stole a pizza from the delivery guy's car and when we got home she grabbed a slice, two beers, removed her pants, and said "call of duty?" im going to marry her
I’ve cut back on drinking and now my body can’t fight off all the bad germs without the alcohol. That’s why I keep getting sick
If u could sum last night up in one word?
omgwtfpineapple
So I figured it out. There's two types of shitters. Moaners and grunters. And on occasion there's a third. It's the ill fabled grunt moaner.
Let me set the mood for you. Do you remember Britney Spears in her Hit Me Baby One More Time era? Well I just fucked this college girl I shit you not her name is Persephone and she looks exactly like Britney Spears back when she was hot. I might be in love.
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