Dogs love guiness but it fucks up their kidneys
i didn't know you could wash puke off of bras with a dishwasher.
the quote on the bathroom wall was "stop reading this and focus on peeing" and i realized i'd peed on the seat.
Wow. Thanks for becoming another fan of something on Facebook. You make me want to gouge my eyes out.
oh my god its dad's weekend for the sororities i can't wait to throw up in front of all these parents
Either I need to stop bringing you back to my apt or I need to stop buying ikea furniture
She just tagged pictures of you wrapped in the "above the influence banner" like a toga.
We are probably going to have to use your boobs as currency to get this done
Rode my bike to work still drunk. Almost threw up on a camper while getting him out of his parents car.
there is no amount of schooling that prepares you for when your morbidly obese 45 year old patient tells you she has her clit pierced.
So apparently we wrote "Lube Shopping" in Paula's diary on every friday for the rest on the year....
I just used my vibrator to scratch my back. This being single shit is for the birds
Auto correct isn't even working for how drunk you are
She meowed at me. Repeatedly. Then she asked what was wrong with me because I didn't understand her.
The last thing I remember was them slipping shots into my beer bong, and me being happy about it
Randomize
