Why did I call the Oregon Department of Transportation at 4:30 in the morning, and who did I talk to for three minutes?
quit re-tweeting John McCain's tweets
Shit, I may have left some acid in your bathroom last night. Has he been in there lately.
Do you know anything about the Easter basket sitting on my doorstep filled with porn and peeps?
My mom is lecturing me about 'invaluable housekeeping skills' while I google 'cocktails involving gin' on my phone. I can feel the generational gap looming in her silent judgment of my choices.
didn't realize her mom was home while we were fucking, but she's oddly okay with it. she made us food afterwards. but then kept talking about having grand kids the whole time. is it time to bail?
Well, if you're getting/have gotten your dick sucked, you're welcome. If not, I tried. Step up your game, pussy. I pulled a MacGuyver and got mine. No excuses bro.
He's hot, you can get laid, and you may get free drugs. It's the trifecta of banging a drug dealer
Is it weird to wish your favorite hooker "happy thanksgiving"?
I wish I had a clear image of the dude who was sucking on my tit outside the bar last night
Dude I used amphetamines responsibly today though. I snorted one in the am for work and then chewed one in the pm for other work. I'm an adult.
How is someone going to pee on the floor two days in a row? Fuck this place.
I know you’re not my dad, but you’re someone dad. And you’re also like a second dad to me who I also send nudes to as well. Happy Father’s Day
I am drunk shake weighting right now.
It's 1:37. You have 23 minutes to get your dick to the bar before I go home with the bartender... tick... tick...
Randomize
