Did Neil Armstrong say the moon was too far away! NO! He built himself a fucking rocketship is what he did!
I don't know what's more sad: The fact that he fingered the side of my leg, or the fact that the side of my leg feels like a vagina.
the reason why you were crawling on your hands and knees from room to room last night was because you thought the ceiling fans were chasing you...
that makes sense.
His glasses broke on the way to the bar aNd he ended up talking to this butterface all night. I didn't have the heart to tell him
It's my birthday, I plan on masturbating and boating, maybe even masturbate on the boat.
Apparently I grabbed her ponytail and cut it with an exacto knife.
My mom wants to know what to send you in a care package. She used cat emojis, so you know it's serious
forgot to tell you your neighbor walked out of her house this morning just as I was leaving shirtless
I can see the future and your future is full of penis
If my birthday doesn't end with my panties hanging from a ceiling fan, I'm holding you responsible.
I am watching xfiles and eating microwaved cookiedough, and I see nothing wrong with it.
If I'm going to keep blacking out this much I need to start taking more pictures.
Can u pick me up? Lost my keys.
Sure. FYI- you "lost" them on the roof, trying to throw them over the house.
Congratulations you now have a pet Scotsman.
I'm still very high. To be blunt. No pun intended.
Randomize
