Why's my alcoholism being used to prove a point?
Why is the garage door in the middle of the street?
My math professor just asked us to draw the graph of the derivative of our drunkenness from friday to sunday. Dear Jesus this looks bad.
I just Tebowed the shit out of her.
Nice and you can't use "Tebow" in the place of every verb.
This wedding is gonna be a disaster. I already had to turn down one of the groomsmen who offered me $100 to sleep with him next wknd.
Too low?
Yes.
The cops raided her house the day before class even started
Those assholes are becoming so efficient
I'm holding onto the sink for dear life. Pretty sure if Iet go I'll turn into a shit propelled man rocket.
Well be careful man. Be careful. Wear shoes in the house. Safety. Safety first, then teamwork.
Yeah I remember doing the worm in my moms room. While she's yelling at me and I'm making seagull nooises
he told me he had a dream that he laid his head in my lap and silently gazed up at me. WHY AM I ALWAYS THE DUDE IN RELATIONSHIPS
Got drunkdialed by my estranged mom while wallowing in pinkeye drinking 100 proof eating ramen alone. Year summed up perfectly.
And then god smiled down upon me and he said let there be hangover food and let it be Wendy's
His encouragement of my recreational drug use is the backbone of our nonrelationship. That, and rough animal sex and loud music.
How long do I have to listen to him talk about the chickens before telling him I just really want to fuck? Note: it's already been twelve minutes.
Is it weird that my mother is taking body shots off my gf after meeting once?
Randomize
