It's 8:30am and I'm drinking.... this is a new low
I actually had to roll up my long sleeves to masturbate. I hate the winter
tequila makes me forget i have legs
His parents had a bottle of captain morgan on the table for me when I went for dinner. I feel accepted
So he might be the smartest man alive. He had the stripper pick him up taco bell on the way to the room for an extra 50 bucks.
sex in a tree stand. check.
you lucky bastard
Bacon Cheddar rum burgers are as great as they sound. I knew that 100 proof Captain would be good for something other than vomit.
It was his birthday and he drunkenly offered me Portillo's and diamonds in exchange for a snap chat of my boobs. Even sober it seemed like a good idea at 3 in the morning.
If I had a mugshot, I would totally use it as my main picture on Tinder, just to keep it interesting.
damnit. I just found my cousin on tinder.
Before you jump in that vagina remember there's a reason we call her Infectonator.
Actually we have similar relationship styles aka no relationship... it could work
He's just been a dick since he set his face on fire. I just wanted to eat a fucking hot dog.
May I make reservations with your penis for this evening?
Today I saw someone riding a horse on the sidewalk by aldi when I went to walmart. Old town road was playing on the radio. It was perfect.
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