smell my finger.
Watching marley and me... this girls got me whipped man
When I got to his place, he served wine and cheese and made me sit on the balcony while he read his poetry to me. He cockblocked himself.
It wasn't until that morning that I realized I wasn't actually dreaming, finding myself in the bathtub with someone laying on me
hes trying to draw the periodic table on his chest with a sharpie. i'm not sure how thats going to help him on his chem final, but he keeps shouting "this is how the pros do it"
Just woke up bloody and clutching a rear view mirror I'm pretty sure is from my car. For those of you keeping score at home this is why I stopped drinking four loko.
That was the #1 scariest moment in my life. I have full trust in you, I let you bite my penis for god sake.
We got out of the car in valet drinking beers we gave the valet one as a tip
I fucked my ex boyfriend to get shrooms for you guys
That's the sweetest thing I've ever heard
I just found a contact in my phone named "Sam 'it Won't Fit' Wilson". No clue when or where it came from....
Sorry for face planting onto the table with all our alcohol on it
I asked my mom if she could pick up something for me to drink since we ran out of orange juice and she goes "We have beer, champagne, and baileys. Drink one of those."
I just used my vibrator to scratch my back. This being single shit is for the birds
It's a special kind of bond when your gay brother takes pics of you topless at a frat party.
yes, i'm a douce. but i'm a high quality douche.
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