"Ever since I killed her kid she be actin' shady." Actual quote overheard at Marine World just now. Oh God.
I woke up on the side of the highway to the ppl in orange jumpsuits cleaning to comunity service. Not sure which freaked them out more... Finding a dead b ody or me not being dead
we all know badassery is carried on the XX chromosome
im not gonna bother asking u how it was... we could hear u through the walls
Some guy dressed like Santa just handed me a bottle of tequila. I NEVER WANT TO LEAVE CANCUN
My sister was crawling her way home and kept asking us to carry her,then she insisted on grabbing at our ankles til she passed out, how was your night?
I think my greatest accomplishment today was probably using a bottle opener to get the cap off my fourth drink while holding the cat WITHOUT dropping him.
Oh god, what has my life become?
Trying to roll joints on a seadoo in the middle of a lake on a windy night. -Juststonerthings
At what part of the night did you guys leave?
After my hot tub cannonball.
Rome wasn't built in a day - my bedroom skills weren't obtained in some boring monogamous relationship. Same thing. Right?
I had a spiritual reading tonight and my dead grandmother called me a whore.
I told him I had the birth control implant in my arm and he looked me in the eyes, said "Science!" and came in me
While buying Plan B the lady at the counter looked at me and said hope you have a successful night as I walked away in shame
you scattered cereal all over the floor so you could "re-trace your steps and figure out what happened." 20 min later you yelled about the mess and let the dog in to clean it up. 5 min after that you screamed since the cereal was gone. you suspected me and locked me in the bathroom so i could "think about what i'd done"
and you bit everyone who tried to let me out. no more tequila for you. EVER.
But what is a man profited, if he should gain Joe Biden and lose Alex Trebek?
Randomize
