Made out with me girlfriend while she was peeing. all time high, or all time low?
We were making out when she went into convulsions. At least now I know she's allergic to peanuts.
It's too hard to jack off and hold an ipad at the same time
the kid next to me in training is drinking sangria. its 9am here in case you couldnt calculate. its going to be a good year.
His penis is literally smaller than my cell phone. I can't go out like that.
Sometimes you gotta take mushrooms and swim on a rooftop pool to figure out your relationship
I just had a fifteen minute conversation with a Raccoon by the garbage bin. I was feeding it chex mix.
so serious though like its almost like I'm playing a game that's my life and Im always losing
Fire trucks are here again. It wasn't me this time.
I walked out ot my car in the morning thinking there was a sandwich I left there from yesterday. Then later that day I was checking the mail and saw the other side of my car :/
It concerns me the most that u were potentially going to eat a day old car sandwich.
cmon you know I'm perfectly capable of something that ridiculous 100% sober
Who the fuck is "nick from the beach last year"
No idea hahaha...why?
He just texted me.. Should I ask where I met him?
I thought he was hot. You know, in a “I’ve gone batshit insane and want blood for the blood god” sort of way.
He wanted to take me to breakfast in the morning. He told me he respects me after I said no. I told him to respect me at a distance.
I should have robbed the cradle years ago. Turns out 21 year old boys can cum and still fuck me silly a minute later. My vagina feels like it just won a car from Oprah!
Randomize
