Kareoke will never be a sober sport
You drew a lightning bolt on your eye and stomach in eye liner and made me sing Poker face with you in harmonies. I never knew you were still a music major when you were drunk.
I just opened up the mens room door to a dude pissing in the urinal and pointing at himself in the mirror
Apparently she ran into the Emergency Room declaring "ROOM, PLEASE" as if she were checking herself into Holiday Inn.
Eh, not fuck buddies. I prefer sexercise partner.
in other news i'm homewrecking via instagram
She roared AMY HORNEY and hulk hoganed her shirt off. Fuckin marriage time bro
He is asleep with his dick hanging out of my my little pony pajamas. I am required to wake this man up by blowjob
Your sexual fantasies often terrify me but get a pic
I find it ironic...the gays are dying to get married & I just want a fucking divorce
I just had a horrible epiphany. I have fucked girls younger than Star Tours
This text was so worth waking up to
all the one night stand stories i have end with me crying on my RA's floor stuffing cupcakes into my mouth
Honestly, this is a first for me. I've always prided myself on my ability to pretend to get along with others.
Dude, never piss off a hungover boss.
I just realized that this is the first time I've ever seen your mom without sucking your cock.
If I say I hate myself for it does it make it any better?
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