she looked me in the eyes and called me a poet because i was singing lady gaga, then she fell over...
Tiger Woods should have just walked in, gave everyone a high five, and left.
My booty call got married. Come over before I start tagging all the places my dick has been in her wedding photos.
Just got my period. This just makes my beach escapade totally even that much more ok.
In their defense you were hugging a watermelon for a good portion of the trip
Don't worry. This time I'll get black out drunk so they'll just think it's an American thing.
That was an excessively violent trivia night
You were crying and singing wanted dead or alive while trying to eat cold soup, I think that pathetic is an understatement
You know it's a good weekend when you wake up on Sunday questioning your sexuality.
I should never be allowed to dance around children at weddings. I think I just insured that a 4 year old will be a future teen mom.
Everywhere I look there's another kitten this is so ideal
Can I live on acid? Kittens man. Kittens.
The hotel had a helipad. Of course we had sex on it.
So stoned that I pressed the unlock button on my car keys to walk into my bedroom...
Let's be honest, I've seen a decent amount of dicks in my life and very few of them have been worth all the trouble.
He seemed genuinely disappointed when I told him I wasn't going to make out with him to Bring Me To Life by Evanescence so I feel like I've pinpointed the breaking point of this relationship
Randomize
