the people of mcdonalds are all starring at me & this dude like they know we just slept together
Apparently I added "small children" to my likes on facebook. glad to know that's where my subconscious is at.
Meh. I'll learn enough German to ask her for a handjob, then I'm out
You never cease to amaze me.
All i remember as you were making ramen is that you kept slurring "i like you as a color"...
It's a line of coke at 10 a.m. kind of Saturday. Don't be a pussy about life.
Someone played tic tac toe on my abs?
I am currently sitting on a candy bar to warm it up cause it was in the fridge so I can eat it while watching the last song and smoking weed by myself
I just wanted to let you know that this afternoon I took a piss at the same toliet you drank out of on New Years Eve.
Now that there's no chance of him coming over to fuck anymore, I'm going to put up a one-person tent in my bedroom and live in it. My bed reminds me of him.
Come over. I'll eat you out and we'll make bacon.
best text I've received ever.
My dad just sent me a text reminding me to bring the family beer pong championship belt. Thanksgiving 2012 just got real
Yeah, I only wore tennis shoes under the gown. Way cooler than khakis and a shirt, but much more awkward when my parents wanted to go to dinner immediately after the ceremony and my grandmother started to unzip the gown. Stopped her before it was too late, but barely. My dad just rolled his eyes.
Dude. Photoshop a Santa hat on your mug shot and send it as your Christmas cards.
Actually, lets be honest. I will probably keep calling him the pastor because it brings me joy using pastor and fuck buddy in the same sentence.
It's dangerous to be this horny at work. I'm gonna stain my desk chair
Randomize
